I feel a bit funny lately. I think possibly I am growing up (a bit more.) Three things:
1) I've discovered the person interviewing me and deciding whether or not my lovely temp job will go permanent is... my boss. I now feel a little awkward about my application form. She knows full well that sometimes I roll in 20 minutes late stinking of booze rather than 'always punctual and immaculately turned out.' She knew, and in fact condoned, the secret bottles of beer Sez sneaked up to me on results day so the fact that I've put 'I'm a consummate professional' seems more than a little stupid. Now, I know this is ridiculous but in the same way as I stormed out of uni when I learned the very best I could do was a 2:1, I almost don't want my job if I'm just getting it cos she likes me rather than because I'm the most able person who applied for it. Yes, I am good at my job, but not as good as I could be. Yesterday I did one of those women's magazine quizzes and there was hilarity all round as people decided my clumsiness/forgetfulness/general idiocy could be put down to adult ADHD and then realised that if you had issues with alcohol it was probably that making you an oaf. And I'm in charge of people's degrees?
2) I got a letter through the post the other day that made me feel out and out weird. I was all sobbing and giggling for an hour. Then I had a slight panic. What is wrong with me? What is this feeling? Have I never been in love before? Of course I have. So what's wrong with me? I've probably got a stomach ulcer.
3) I feel as though there's a momentous decision I need to make within myself about, for want of a better word, my 'career'. I know it's not the fifties, but that Cyril Connelly quote (the greatest enemy of creativity is the pram in the hall) is pretty much stuck in my head. I know it's not true (and just to remind you, I'm not pregnant nor paticularly likely to be in the next five years) and so on and so forth, but, but... I don't know. I just feel a bit weird lately. I know there is a choice to be made, but I don't know what it's a choice of or whether it's just down to me to make it. I keep thinking things like - 'oh yeah, I could live in New York for a couple of years (obviously, I probably couldn't) or 'man, I should get a dog, there's so much open space round by me' (obviously, this is equally as ridic.)
I feel in between things. That's all, I guess. I know something's going to happen. I even know pretty much what it is. But the waiting, ak. I'm in limbo here, it feels like.
