by myself. I suppose that is why I blog, isn't it? I was STILL MISERABLE this morning, then I felt guilty for feeling miserable which only made me MORE MISERABLE. But now I am quite chilled out. I am feeling blue because I am due on and because I wanted to hand my essay in this Wednesday but (as I could have predicted) I haven't even bloody started it (unless you count a rough plan starting, but I daren't really) and yet, what is my job? TAKING IN ESSAYS AND BEING HARSH IF THEY'RE LATE!! How stupid.

Also, I have some residual guilt from the weekend (of which more later) and I'm feeling a bit sort of overwhelmed by various commitments (not least to work.) So I sort of know why I feel rotten, which makes me feel a bit better. Plus, it is sunny, and I can see a way through, which always makes things a little lighter. And I am very much in love, after all.

Anyway, I had a brilliant weekend. This is wot happened:

On Saturday I went to Brighton with Katey and L+I. We took the coach cos it goes from OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. How brill is that? But next time I will take the train cos the coach is a little smelly and also takes forever and if you get on in Streatham it's full of people who got on at Victoria so you can't sit together. But it was cool coming back. We went down the pier and ate fish and chips and went in antiques shops and boozed and had Indian food and went down by the sea and I found a pebble with a natural hole in it (they are magic) and I bought a bracelet for a fiver.

I felt guilty because a) we'd arranged to go with Han a couple of weeks before then cancelled cos we had no money but she ended up going anyway cos she had friends in Brighton and this time I forgot to tell her we were going and b) our friend S lived in Brighton and we always said we would go with her and I forgot to tell her too (this forgetting is partly because I'd forgotten I was going myself until the Saturday before, hence C.) And c) I left Chaunce behind because we'd actually half-arranged to do something else and he had to stay in Streatham in case it happened. But I don't think it did. 

But all that is cool cos we can arrange to go again really soon in order to redress the balance. And Han can drive so we might drive down and buy loads of furniture. Or maybe not.

On Sunday we did nowt, tho Chaunce made a most tasty meal for us both.

Yesterday we took the train to North Dulwich and walked through leafy Dulwich Village (remarking on the way that even if we were rich we would buy a house with a garden in Streatham because Dulwich is, well, a bit DUL) to the Horniman Museum, which was great fun. It's a bit of an odd mix of stuff, but fun. They had some cool voodoo altars, and a torture chair, and loads and loads of Victorian taxidermy. The shop was pretty cool too, I am kicking myself I didn't buy the window hanger I was looking at, and they had some cool rings (although I already have a ring, obviously, but I could take it off and keep it safe when I go out and get boozed and replace it with a cheaper one, I was thinking) so I think I'll go back. Also I got the feeling we accidentally missed stuff, there was no map or anything. And they are raising funds for a new aquarium which should be ace. Also, it's free.

Then we walked to not so leafy Tulse Hill and took the train back to Streatham and went out for Italian food in a restaurant we'd not tried yet. It's recently been done up and was decorated exactly like my bedroom (oatmeal walls, halogen spots) which was a bit odd. Also it had wood floors and wood tables and chairs so every time I guffawed (which was quite often cos I was with Chaunce) it was really REALLY loud. But they had amazing desserts. We may go back just for the desserts.

Then we went home and I fell asleep so I have no idea what happened on Prison Break. What happened?

Did I say I felt blue earlier? Wot rot. I feel bloody marvellous!

34 freakin days this time. But at least it's here now. I hope I don't end up like on of those women in Take A Break who think they've eaten a dodgy kebab and then look down to see a baby grinning back up at them from the bowl. Because they always have periods the whole way through (or they say they do) and wonder why they can't lose weight. Look, I couldn't lose weight cos I was growing a baby! Or, more often, a cyst the size of a washing up bowl. Blee. Anyway, I got my period. Woo hoo. Hopefully this will give me the creative push to finish my essay. Hopefully.

I am letting work get on top of me again, I must stop being so pathetic. NOBODY CARES if I did or didn't do a particular thing, and if I didn't do then, whoops, I'll do it now. IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. I'd really like to get to the bottom of my paranoia, it drives me bonkers. I know when something is irrational, but then I sort of get to thinking that maybe it's different for me because I'm so damn special. I wish I were less selfish and lazy. Then I would have zero problemos, my friends, ZERO PROBLEMOS.

It's like being shy. I am shy. I am shy, and I express it by... talking too much and being friendly. I'M NOT SHY AT ALL. But I was shy, and I still think 'yes, I am a shy, quiet person with no friends' when, you know, it's not true. I've taught myself to be un-shy. So I need to teach myself unselfishness and unlaziness. I think I'm getting there on unselfish but then I get to thinking, hold on, did I just do that kind act (letting someone else have my seat, giving a student the benefit of the doubt, etc) because I'm nice or was it because I wanted people to say 'look at that kind lady, she is so unselfish, how wonderful she is, if only more people were as perfect as that lovely woman' ? I don't think I'm nice AT ALL. (Look at my track record. I am not a nice person.) But maybe it is like the shy thing - it doesn't matter if I'm doing unselfish things for a selfish reason - I'm still doing them, thus, you know, I am learning to be unselfish.

Laziness though, that's a fucker. I think maybe I can do it with some NLP. Like if I started getting up at the same time as Chaunce, and being proactive at work rather than reactive, and bringing in my swimming gear so I could go down to the pool with everyone else then I could say 'oh, I used to be lazy but now I'm not' and if I said it enough it would be true. Maybe.

I want to go home and have a lie down. No I don't. I want my essay to be done, and my desk to be clear and my spreadsheet updated. And I can do that. I can do most of that today, by myself. That would be being totally unlazy.

Jump to it!

Oh dear but it's not funny. Look, this is why I haven't got a degree.

I have stayed late at work to do my 'easy.' I've fleshed out the plan and figured out which pomes I'm going to use (of other peoples, but not of my own, yet) but I haven't done any of the actual, you know, writing stuff. And I am skiving class for this!!

But, BUT, I am so happy - weeee, I'm almost floating. There's one thing I am especially proud of / amazed by / looking forward to years and years and years more of... but that's by the by, that's like a background issue, it is "the eternal rocks beneath" and boy am I ever chuffed to be standing on er, granite, you know.

But it's all the flowers that are making me happy!

Like:

Chaunce makes magic soup.
My Bag of Dreams is now in Sainsbos for 15quid.
I know because I have lovely friends and one of them told me ...
... and I might get her to make me milkshake in a bit.
My job lets me LIVE (i.e. I get home in time for Neighbours, and I don't really get stressed)
but also PAYS DA RENT. (And buys da bags.)
And,
the sun is shining.
And,
how great is "My vegetable love should grow / Vaster than empires, and more slow."
??
It is the most perfect line. Although I also like:
"Time does not bring relief, you all have lied" but that's kinda bringing the mood down, ya know?

And, and

okay, I'm going to go and write at least 500 proper words before I leave. I am!

I am.

In a minute...

I look swanky today. I look swankier than Hilary Swank if she married Mr. Swank Swankington and moved to Swank Towers, Swank County, Swankville, United States of SWANK.

(It is only by forcing myself to remember Blackadder that I can stop my mind resting on the all grown up Hugh Laurie... nope, there I go again... sigh...)

And all because last night I bought A Bag of Dreams. I am so ridiculuously (errrrr...) pleased. SO PLEASED! It is exactly like The Bag of Dreams, but isn't leather (and was probably handcrafted in a sweatshop by a toddler for a penny, but, you know, shut up conscience) and thus was a leeetle teeeeny bit cheaper. To say the least.

I'm sure I never cared for shoes or bags or clothes until I moved to London. Now I have big sunglasses and a swanky bag. And looks - I have looks! My evening look for summer is Fat Margot Drinks Too Much At Abigail's Party. My cas look (cas! my cas look) is On My Way To Meet A Friend In A Beer Garden Following My Rehearsals At Spearmint Rhino. Thus today I am wearing a sloppy black top with deep vs in the front and back over a black vest and indigo jeans rolled up eversoslightly to show off my flat gold pumps. I am accessorising with a spangly brown hairband over a tightly pulled back messy bun, with a silver bracelet and a silver necklace with a spangly pendant in the shape of a shoe. And my big shades and my diamond ring and my FUCKING ACE BAG of course.

(No, I haven't finished my essay. Obviously.)

At lunchtime I can leave my desk and 5 minutes later be here, eating this ...

... listening to the water lapping against the bridge, feeling the sunshine and just generally being a tourist like everyone else for the next hour or so.

Bliss.

and got stonkingly drunk and had italian food. It was brill (I think, I can't really remember) and then I went home and dreamed Chaunce accidentally cut his finger off but he wasn't really bothered and I thought his stump looked kind of cool so it was all okay really

I am in a mood today because I am so tired and a bit sort of stinky and headachey but I have THE WORLD'S MOST STUPID TASK which is correcting all the exam papers that the students have messed their candidate numbers up on before they get sent off for marking. Personally, I think if you can't get your candidate number right you should receive nil points but apparently that's not fair so muggins here is sat with a pencil filling in little boxes. My mind is numbed.

Also I am a bit cross that no-one will tell me whether they are taking part in the AUT action or not so I don't have an answer for students when they ask me where there coursework is apart from 'you'll just have to wait.' Apparently they don't have to tell me if they're striking or not and it's not my problem so I shouldn't worry about it and should carry on just telling the students to wait. I mean, hello? What is the point of striking if NO-ONE KNOWS you're striking?? That just makes you look lazy! Idiots. Bah. Grump grump grump.

Also ALSO I am so freaking bored by the voting shenanigans. I mean, like, TOTALLY BORED. Why can't anyone see that what happens is - there's a general election, we change government, everyone's chuffed for a week or so, the government turn out to not be as great as we thought, we grumble along complaining with them to give them a chance, no, they're shit, there's a general election, we change government, everyone's chuffed for a week or so, the government turn out to not be as great as we thought, we grumble along complaining with them to give them a chance, no, they're shit, there's a general election, we change government, everyone's chuffed for a week or so, the government turn out to not be as great as we thought, we grumble along complaining with them to give them a chance, no, they're shit, there's a general elections...

I MEAN PEOPLE HONESTLY!! And seriously people actaully think parliament run the country which is you know, such obvious bollocks. I reckon there's about 6 dudes sat in a room somewhere saying things like 'gee you guys, there are too many young men about the place, my masculinity is seriously threatened, let's go to war and kill a few of them off and freak the fuckers out, that's the way to control a populace, yeah baby' (they're totally into that control thing - like the second bombers last July, clearly there to make us laugh at their utter ineptitude and start taking the tube again because they were so hilariously bad at being terrorists there was no more terror really to be had.)

And... yeah. Turns out I'm a crazy conspiracy theorist. Deal with it. I'm on the freaking internet here.

I didn't vote cos I was out getting lagered. Labour got Lambeth, so, meh. I probably would have voted for them anyway. Or maybe the Greens. I dunno. Who cares?

So, I was going to do another reason why I like my job but thinking about it it's just reason #3,400,677,231,6982 why I adore my boyfriend. Because he got a job here and that means I can dial his extension and get him to bring me cookies from the canteen. Dem cookies are mmmm-mmmmm good.

Mmmm-mmmmm.