I am glad I never kept a diary when I was a teenager because that would possibly have been more embarrassing.

So, anyway, I married Chauncey and now we have a son. 

I know.

Madness.

Dear John 20six,

I said I wouldn't and then I did. I'm sorry. I'm leaving you. You know me, I hack it for a while, I give it a chance and then something else catches my eye and it all seems easier over there.

I have gone to see if the grass really is greener.

The last three years have been great, but I just can't keep up with you anymore.

See you around,

Em

I have spent a mental week:

Entertaining my sister as a kind of dry run for having my parents to visit. I couldn't be looking less forward to it, seriously. We accidentally went to the opening night of Avenue Q. I don't know if you've ever had to walk up a red (well, yellow) carpet with a load of paps to the side whilst wearing your scuzziest, just picnicked in, outfit and carrying three carrier bags but let me tell you - IT IS EMBARRASSING. Still, the show was good, and the picnic (of finest borough market/london bridge fare) was worth it. Also, the funniest thing in the world turns out to be my sisters belief that Noel Coward is spelt Knowle Cowarde. I mean, WHAT?

Making a bracelet. I am half done. Why would ANYONE want to do this for a living? It is hard, and expensive. It looks pretty sweet though.

Pet-sitting for a rabbit, a cat and some fish. I am so worried about the rabbit in this heat. I mean, he was okay yesterday (running around, etc) but it is H-O-T today (he's a house rabbit.) I am going to buy some magicool and spray his hutch. The cat's from LA so I have no worries about him, he's just a big fat whinger.

Being constantly late for work.

Offending lesbians. Those I know, by ditching them on Saturday for the lure of a cool pub and 'some proper music' and then one I didn't by saying I was sick of being gay and just wanted a vodka and lemonade. I was clearly joking. She needed to get. ov-er. herself.

Deciding to do zero, yes, ZERO for my birthday, although I might go out the week after for a cheapo meal somewhere with mah biatches. Watch your inboxes ladies. Why ZERO? Because I cannae be arsed cap'n (and various other boring reasons.)

Reading Tipping the Velvet. I should have smacked that grumpy lesbo in the face with it. Also, I will never write 'tom puree' on my shopping list ever. again.

Finding a super cure for being blue. It is singing Chauncey May. It couldn't make me laugh more.

... The morning sun when its in your face really shows your age
But that don't worry me none, in my eyes you're everything
I laughed at all of your jokes, my love you didnt need to coax
Oh, Chauncey I couldn't have tried any more
You led me away from home, just to save you from being alone
You stole my soul and that's a pain I can do without

All I needed was a friend to lend a guiding hand
But you turned into a lover and
Mother what a lover, you wore me out ...

Oh and doing something else but it's a (really fucking obvious) secret til it's too far gone to be unjinxable. So don't ask me about it. Okay? It's nothing earth shattering, I'm not up the duff or owt. But it's pretty cool.

I just got so utterly fucking bored at work that I've booked viewings on two flats (to rent) tomorrow night.

Now I just have to break it to Chauncey...

There are a couple of things I could be doing, but I am savouring the quiet. Boy is it ever quiet in here today.

Over the weekend I saw L+I and still failed to sort out exactly what I'm meant to be doing when I'm housesitting, and walked Kate and Ciggy about 5 miles to the only decent pub in Streatham. Aw, that's not really fair. To the BEST pub in Streatham then. Remember? The Earl Ferrers. I love it in there. I also ate a lot of hummus.

On Saturday Chaunce and I went to the Museum of London, which was pretty cool. I almost wet my knickers laughing at one point, and I'm delighted to say we have another in-joke to add to our collection. Soon we'll be unable to converse with anyone but each other. Oh well. Bad Minton! Then we had an impromptu picnic in St Pauls churchyard and listened to a marching band. We spent the rest of the weekend drinking Kronenburg, doing the washing, watching Buster Keaton and sleeping. And watching the football. And cleaning the bathroom. It's ALL GO at our place.

My sis arrives dans la capital in T minus 24 hours. We're gonna meet up late on Weds morning and picnick one off before heading back to Streats to get ready to see Avenue Q. Which park do you reckon we should picanic in? I think St James'. Secretly I want to go to Battersea Park and go to the zoo again but I think that might be cramming too much stuff in one day. We can always go on Thurs morning if we're that keen. And there will be pelicans. And it's easy to get to. That's me pretty much decided!

We will have hummus and stuffed olives and prosecco and crusty bread and strawberries and carrot sticks and so on and so forth. Man, it will be tasty. I have bought a cool bag in preparation. I am a little bit excited, not least with NOT BEING AT WORK! Woo!! That's my favourite bit.

is the happiest day of the year. I wasn't feeling, you know, all THAT happy although I am due lunch with a fitbit and gossip with my friends over olives tonight, but I mean I wasn't really feeling A-ONE SUPERDOOPER HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY.

And then I found this.

And now I am.

I love those boys. I feel like I just bumped into an old boyfriend who still really fancies me and I sort of, you know, think he's okay too.

because I played tourist last night and was meandering round leicester square at stupid o'clock in the morning being rude to club promoters. and eating pizza. and a hot dog. well, I was drunk.

Today I am tired, relieved (I got my coursework in, despite an incredible journey across London to get there in time), a bit hungover and (and it took me ages to grasp what the feeling was it was so familiar and yet so sort of weird) still totally in awe of / love with Chauncey.

I'm sorry, I just AM.